I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
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