Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
