she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
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