I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
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