Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
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