you guys were way drunker than both of me
White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
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