Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
