There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
It's no shave November. This is our time.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
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