You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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