I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Randomize
