OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
Randomize
