Me. At least after what I've been through.
I should be sponsored by Trojan
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Shame - the story of my life.
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