Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
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