Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
Randomize
