How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
She had just swallowed, of course i didnt kiss her goodbye
Wasn't she moving abroad?
Are you really going to debate this?
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
I just found puke in my bra..
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
