barbara walters just said penis...
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Randomize
