Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
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