you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
