Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
