woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
Randomize
