Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
Less talking, more tequila
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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