he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
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