I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
Randomize
