If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
I think a kid would responsible me up
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
