I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Would you object to my putting the bidet video on my Facebook page? It;s awesome.
Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
Randomize
