so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
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