I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
As shirtless as possible
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
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