Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
my shit smells like andre
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
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