final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Randomize
