i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
Randomize
