Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
Randomize
