Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
Randomize
