i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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