You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
Randomize
