somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
God, you're like boner-b-gone
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
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