do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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