Kiss
Puke
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
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