apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
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