Your face is a jimmy john
somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
at a party and just made O-H-I-O out of dicks and vajayjays...i hope someone took a pic i was too busy (; GO BUCKS!!!
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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