Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
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