I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
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