i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
have i crossed some slutty boundary when gay guys are sending me cock pics?
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
A bitchslap is in order.
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