I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Randomize
