just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Randomize
