Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Randomize
