Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
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