Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
Randomize
