On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
He did a backflip because drugs
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
Randomize
