i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
