i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
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