jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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