I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
Randomize