Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
