I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
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