garbage
garbage dick
rubbish cock
you win
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
Randomize
