So just talked to them hahah i like that people sat there and watched as you two made out... They said they even had to refill their beers
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Randomize
