shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
Randomize
