Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
My liver just had a heart attack.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
ok first of all what the fuck
Randomize
