If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
Randomize
