We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
Randomize
